The experience was great, but also made me realise that I’ve lived for a long, long time with no clear goals of my own. I suppose, I feel a bit like a water plant being thrown about with the currents. And although I normally see myself in a hedonistic light, I do wonder if I’m really that clear about how I define my own happiness.

I'm gonna try to hit the bull's eye sometime

Don’t get me wrong living in the now has it’s benefits, but it can also be a bit turbulent not to have any sense of direction at all. It all culminates for me. Running my own business and only having to be a responsible parent every other weekend gives me a set pattern, but I haven’t really sat down for a while and thought “What do I want for myself in the long run?”

And yes, it does get to me. At least when it’s dark and overcast outside. I’ll figure it out over time, I suppose, but right now it’s a pretty steep cliff I’m facing.

Every noise inside my place and hums from the outside make me toss and turn.

I wonder what happened to the teen and the man in his twenties who’d sleep 9 hours without breaking a sweat.

The worst part? I’m not even well-rested when I wake up. A super productive way to spend my time in bed.

Yet I had the urge to punch a few keys. To clear my head since there’s so much humming in my apartment at this hour. The background noise keeps me awake and force my thoughts to go places where I suppose I’d prefer them not to be.

It’s no secret that I always have doubts about what it is I actually do in my life. Denise Jacobs, nails it pretty well in this article on A List Apart. Us creatives always have doubts. Since stating my own business my life is my work – and they both affect eachother for better or for worse.

To some people I care for, I think I’ve become less poetic, less adventurous and too pragmatic. And in a sense they’re right. My perspective has shifted. I seem to have less energy for taking the initiative in relations to my friends, less energy for creating intriguing stories, less energy for igniting sparks in others.

I suppose I need less clutter in my mind and less clutter in my home, yes, the piles are still here. But maybe more importantly I should re-read Denise’s article and wrestle down my inner-critic. Because he sure is getting a big chuck of airplay at this hour.

The thing I like about Wilco is their soundscapes. To me their music is art. Nothing more, nothing less. And sure they’re heavily influenced by 70′s style rock, but then again they twist it and make it their own.

In this concert video their joy of music really comes across.

Over the years certain records haunt me, or remind me of certain points of time in my life. When things were either good or bad. Going through a divorce Wilco’s Sky Blue Sky gave me a bright outlook on the future.

I haven’t anything current associated with their newest album The Whole Love. But who knows? Over time it may be tied in with my life for better or for worse.

For now I’ll listen to the tunes and revel in them.

I drive a Citroën C1 which was in dire need of a check up. According to the manual - that I just read today – should’ve had about three check ups with the amount of kilometres I’ve driven in it.

But since my very, very generous parents had given me a good through check up for the ageing vehicle, I took it to a shop.

Did I also mention that I hadn’t changed the windshield wipers, ever. Since I have no clue whatsoever how to do it. Yes bikers, insert smart-ass comments here. Good thing it doesn’t rain in Denmark, ever.

After getting the thing tuned, tweaked and ready to roll, I did read the damn manual and realised that I should’ve had a crapload of stamps in it. I really need to grow up. Or just ignore things for a while longer.

I’ve broken up before – been broken up with – and will probably break again sometime.

As for now I’m in Ponderland thinking my head off east and west. I’m sure something constructive will manifest itself over time. But for now I seem to have gotten back the urge to write a little here.

Thinking at home two days post break-up and counting

Luckily I’m used to having to readjust my personal life on a huge scale, so I’m not worried about the future, just pensive.

Sometimes I get set in my ways and consciously or unconsciously take people vital to me for granted, or forget about the spark that set off something. This is just to remind myself.

Bike stores and repair stores are on most blocks in many parts of the city. Quite amazing. I’ve gotta do a photo documentation of the phenomenon sometime. Maybe with some Google Maps thrown in for kicks – or just geotagging on Flickr.